There are many immutable facts in life.
Two of the best known are of course that you will die,
and before doing so, you will pay taxes. This leads me
to believe that if we ever conquer death it will be through
the efforts of the taxman rather than scientific or medical
research. But I digress.
A slightly less popular fact is that sooner or later you will, to a certain
degree, turn into your parents. This will of course be vehemently denounced
by any self-respecting teenager or twenty-something, but eventually, when
the rashness of youth mutates into the more mature "I'm too tired to
give a #@~$%&£ anymore" attitude of us thirty-plus oldtimers,
you will one day listen to yourself make some ridiculous statement(s)
that effectively wake you up to a cold, hard reality. Congratulations, you
have become that which you once despised: An opinionated old bugger.
I have to admit however, that when it comes to music I have always
been an opinionated old bugger. My early teen years, for instance, were
spent avoiding disco like the plague and loudly voicing my disdain for it
to all who dared play it in my vicinity. I like to think time and society's
20/20 hindsight have vindicated me on the disco issue.
So, being well practiced in speaking my mind regarding
musical abominations, and having very recently reached
the ripe old age of 38, I have absolutely no qualms about
drawing up a little list of people that I think should
be incarcerated for wanton crimes against music:
Defendant: Craig David
Public enemy numero uno. Charge:
Quite possibly the most spineless, insipid, stylistically challenged slush
I have ever had the misfortune to hear. This guy makes Barry Manilow sound
like a thrash metal band. Even my mother wouldn't listen to anything this
drippy. Sentence: Aversion therapy.
Forced to watch re-runs of "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood" 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week with no hope for parole. Ever.
Defendant: Westlife Charge: Vile, pre-fabricated,
talentless, sugar coated rubbish. About as entertaining
as a nose blowing contest but with less substance. Actually,
you could substitute pretty much any manufactured boy
band for Westlife as they're all equally guilty of infecting
the airwaves with dreamy drivel. Sentence: Life imprisonment in the Institute
for the Criminally Inane.
Defendant: Whitney Houston Charge:
A rutting Wildebeast with a backup band; nails on a blackboard are more
pleasing to the ear. If a gangrenous leg wound had a voice, it would sound
like this. Sentence: 352,239 hours
of community service as a lavatory sanitation technician.
Defendant: Celine Dion Charge: Annoying enough
to be the opening act for the rutting Wildebeast (see
above), it's people like Celine that give Canada a bad
name. The ship in James Cameron's "Titanic"
wasn't the only thing that sank in that movie. After hearing
Celine Dion's theme song, my will to live hit the bottom
of the Atlantic hours before the pride and joy of White
Star Lines. Sentence:
Build life size, fully functional replica of Titanic from toothpicks. Singing
forbidden until complete.
Defendant: Elton John Charge:
Pure unadulterated schmaltz with an appalling hairdo. Oooh, listen! Can
you hear that kids?! That's the sound of Princess Diana and Marilyn Monroe
spinning in their graves every time "Candle in the Wind" is played. Sentence: The afterlife
will take care of Mr. John for us. I can picture it now:
A small room with a princess on one side, a shapely blonde
Hollywood actress on the other, poor old Elton right smack
in the middle, and an endless stack of "Candle in
the Wind" records. His suffering will be legendary,
even in hell....
Defendant: Britney Spears Charge:
Poor Ms. Spears is actually a victim of record company greed and stupidity
and therefore guilty only by association. Her music isn't that bad
and she does redeem herself by virtue of the fact that she looks damn hot.
I think we can let her off with a slap on the wrist - this time. Sentence:
72 hours of community service - at my place. I'll even cook dinner if you
promise not to sing.
Defendant: David Gray Charge:
Dreary, depressing dirge. I have to restrain myself from reaching for the
razor blades and sleeping pills whenever he comes on the radio. Sentence:
Heavy doses of Prozac followed by shock therapy and forced viewing of Barney
the Dinosaur episodes. Worked for me anyway.
Defendant: Lionel Ritchie Charge:
Rolling Stone magazine said it best years ago: "Commabore". Please
wake me up when Lionel stops trying to make a comeback. Sentence:
Someone just slap him. Hard. Repeatedly.
Defendant: Oasis Charge: Wannabe Beatles
with mediocre one-tempo songs and whiny vocals. Unfortunately
the closest thing to a rock band England had for some
time so it wasn't difficult to understand why they became
so popular, but let's not forget, their main competitors
were the Spice Girls and the Teletubbies. You could almost
tolerate Oasis if it wasn't for the fact that the Gallagher
brothers are such annoying little twerps with all the
maturity of a couple of 5 year olds and less social skills
and intelligence than your average houseplant. Sentence:
Confiscate the brain cell that Noel and Liam share and donate it to something
that can put it to better use. A houseplant, for example.
Defendant: All Saints Charge:
Some crimes are unforgiveable. The All Saints version of the Chilli Peppers'
"Under the Bridge" is such a crime. Gee girls, did ya know you
were singing about kicking heroin addiction when ya covered this?! Nope,
didn't think so. Sentence: Fortunately
for us, the Saints went their separate ways. This doesn't
give them any amnesty for their heinous crime however.
Since one of them is now dating one of the above mentioned
Gallaghers, I think she is obviously being punished enough.
As for the other two, rehabilitation as amusement park
attendants at Jacko's Neverland Ranch may be their only
salvation.
Well, that should do it for the moment. I'm sure this
list will grow to great lengths in the years to come,
but I think this is a good starting point and should serve
as a warning to other would-be musical criminals. Oh,
and Britney? Don't bother packing before you come over,
and leave your mom at home. I don't have that much Jello.
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