I wish I could have titled this "I'm
Mad as Hell and I'm Not Going to Take It Anymore".
Unfortunately, the things that piss me off the most are
things that I have no choice but to bend over and keep
on taking up the lower orifice. And that pisses me off
even more. So in lieu of starting a revolution and standing
all the bankers, lawyers, insurance executives, marketing
geniuses, transport chiefs, politicians, and the BBC up
against the wall (the Great Wall of China should be just
about big enough), I've decided to honour them all with
their own personal Warped Plastic rant. Like they deserve
such special treatment.
There's nothing new here. It is, I imagine, the same stuff that annoys
most people, and if it doesn't then it damn well should.
1. Bank charges
I recently set up a direct debit scheme so I could make
a small monthly donation to the Cats Protection League.
Unfortunately, I forgot when the first payment was due
and neglected to transfer money from my savings account
into my current account so that there was enough money
to cover the debit. I had plenty of money in my savings
account, and did in fact transfer the money first thing
in the morning (7:00 am) the day of the payment, but it
was too late. Because I had the audacity to be £1.84
short, my bank rejected the direct debit and charged me
£35.00 for the privilege of doing so, which they
euphemistically call an "administration fee".
Gee, I didn't know administrators worked on commission;
silly me, I thought they got an hourly wage like the rest
of us mere mortals. 35 freakin' quid for the sake of a
£1.84 oversight. This is the same bank that made
a record profit of 6 billion pounds in 2003 - that
works out to more money in a minute than I make in a week.
This should be illegal.
2. Insurance companies
Good luck getting reasonably priced travel insurance if
you have a pre-existing medical condition. Should you
have the unmitigated gall to have, say, heart trouble,
your travel insurance will end up costing you up to double
the price of your flight. That's if you can find a company
that will insure you at all. A very good friend of mine
who had a minor heart attack last year got quotes for
travel insurance from £245.00 to well over £600.00
for a flight that cost £300.00. The irony is, she's
probably less of a risk of a heart attack now than I am.
Why? Because she knows about the condition and is taking
steps to prevent a repeat. Me? I have no idea if I'm at
risk of a heart attack, and in my book that makes me a
much bigger insurance gamble than she is (I was quoted
£45.00 for travel insurance). This amounts to nothing
more than opportunistic greed masquerading as a "justifiable"
risk. If there's any justice in the world, the shoe will
be on the other foot when those high flying insurance
executives have their inevitable heart attack(s), but
then, they probably don't have to pay for travel insurance
anyway. I highly recommend the film "The Man Who
Sued God", starring Billy Connolly, as a classic
example of insurance annoyance.
3. Warning signs & our litigious
society
Damned things are everywhere. "Caution: Contents
are Hot" "Warning: Sharp Edges" "Not to be used as a
flotation device" "Keep genitals away from fan" "Attention:
Drinking petrol whilst smoking may be hazardous to your health" "Achtung:
Nicht brekken nekk mitt dekken chair"
What a bunch of namby pamby whingers we've turned into.
Can't make it through the day without warning signs made
up by pencil-necked lawyers who seem to think they have
the monopoly on common sense. I blame that silly woman
who made a fortune from a bit of hot coffee on her lap,
though I'm sure it started long before that. Thanks to
her I can't buy a cup of coffee now that doesn't inform
me in large letters that the beverage I'm about to enjoy
is hot. Like I'm a dumb-backwards-ass child who needs
these things spelling out for me. Of course it's hot,
it's coffee dammit - it's supposed to be hot!! I'd be
annoyed if it wasn't. I'm sure she's enjoying that 3 million
dollars but will it replace the loss of all those Big
Macs and large fries she's missing? I doubt it.
I subscribe to my friend Gordon's theory: Get rid of all the warning signs
(and the lawyers) and let the people who are stupid enough to suck aerosol,
stick their tongues on high voltage wires or hang from towel dispensers
do themselves in so we can get them out of the gene pool.
4. The BBC
I started out trying to write an abridged version but
it just took on a life of its own, so you can see the
full rant here: Why
I Dislike the BBC
5. Stores that move everything around every month
or so
Drugstores seem to be the biggest culprits here and I know exactly why they
do it. They don't want me to nip in, grab a pack of razor blades or some
deodorant, whip over to the checkout and then get the hell out as fast as
possible. That's what I want to do. They want me to wander
around hopelessly lost and buy a bunch of stuff that I don't want or need
while I look for the men's toiletries department that was right here by
the feminine hygiene section the last time I was in. I must be the exception
to this nefarious marketing ploy as it has exactly the opposite effect on
me: I don't want to go in your damn shop at all - ever! Leave things where
they are so they can be found easily or I'll get my gear somewhere else.
It's that simple.
6. Public transport & the car wars
I'm really sick and tired of governments telling us to ditch the automobile
and get on public transport. I don't disagree with the concept in principal.
Our roads are woefully inadequate to handle the amount of traffic on them
and the atmosphere isn't getting any cleaner with all those internal combustion
engines clogging the place up. What I do object to is the backwards-ass
way government tries to achieve that objective. Instead of making public
transport a viable alternative, they try to make cars so expensive to operate
that we'll end up leaving them in the driveway. It doesn't work. We'll bitch
about the cost, but we'll keep driving.
Let me try and put this in plain english. So plain even a politician could
understand it. Well, maybe not. A child perhaps.
A car lets me ride in cleanliness and comfort, at my own
pace (within the limits of the law anyway) and with passengers
of my own choosing. It gets me to my destination on time,
traffic congestion permitting, and it gets me right to
my destination without having to walk half a mile or change
my mode of transportation two or three times. I can listen
to music as loud as I want while I drive and I've got
plenty of space to carry everything I need for my journey.
I don't have to wait in the pouring rain or freezing temperatures
for a car that doesn't show up, and I don't have to wait
at a shelter that's had its glass kicked out by knobheads
for the umpteenth time. I don't get hassled by little
shits who want to impress their mates by picking fights,
I don't get foul-smelling drunks trying to start conversations
with me, and I don't fear for my life because the driver
likes speeding down narrow lanes in a vehicle that exceeds
the maximum width of the road. My feet don't stick to
the floor because there are no unknown substances spilled
there, and I don't have empty beer bottles rolling under
my feet every time the vehicle goes around a corner.
Let's compare that to buses and trains. They arrive in
their own time, which is infrequent, especially in the
later hours. Or they don't arrive at all despite the fact
that you've been waiting in the pouring rain for 40 minutes
and the timetable says several should have arrived in
that time. They are dirty, uncomfortable, and the poor
bastards that are forced to ride them are very often packed
so tightly in there they make a can of sardines look like
spacious modern living. They don't get me where I want
to be when I want to be there and they usually don't get
me anywhere near my destination without a half mile walk
thrown in at the end of the journey. I can't listen to
music except on headphones, and even then I have to keep
the volume down. I often have to wait at a shelter that's
had its glass kicked out by knobheads for the umpteenth
time because, for some obscure reason, bus companies would
rather waste money replacing glass on a regular basis
than just making shelters out of metal or brick. I get
hassled by little shits who want to impress their mates
by picking fights, I get foul-smelling drunks trying to
start conversations with me, and I sometimes fear for
my life because the bus driver has had a bad day and likes
speeding down narrow lanes in a vehicle that exceeds the
maximum width of the road.
So, you would think government would address these problems
and make public transport a safe, reliable, frequent and
comfortable experience which might go a long way to entice
people out of their cars. But no, let's just ignore the
buses that never arrive on time - or at all - and put
more taxes, tolls and congestion charges on car drivers.
And if that doesn't grab 'em, let's put petrol taxes up
and make parking non-existent or extortionately expensive.
Forget about the appalling rail service and let's concentrate
on shafting those pesky car drivers. After all, trains
have only been operating in Britain for 160+ years, so
we can't possibly expect the bugs to be worked out of
the system yet.
Well, that turned out to be a major rant in its own right as well, but
that's why they pay me the big bucks. Pity you can't spend bucks in the
UK.
7. Call centres & automated phone lines
The only person on the planet who doesn't think call centres
are the 7th level of Hell is the woman who invented them.
But then, she wouldn't, would she? Selling the idea made
her extremely wealthy. For the rest of us poor schmucks
that are forced to endure them everytime we want a bit
of customer service, they are about as much fun as shaving
your private parts with a chainsaw.
Oh, and here's another really good idea. Let's replace
all the real live people with a mulitple choice automated
phone line that gives callers 18+ options to choose from,
none of which concerns the problem they've actually called
about. Even better, we'll make it a game of skill and
endurance. The first customer that actually negotiates
the multiple choice maze and finds their way to where
the living, breathing human beings are (in a country 5000
miles away no doubt), will be instantly re-directed to
an automated message telling them the establishment has
closed for the day. Oodles of fun for kids of all ages.
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